I'd Tap That Fictional Ass!-The Lone Ranger/John Reid

The Lone Ranger-John Reid

1. He’s a Texas Ranger

• I’ve been socialized to believe that all Texas Rangers are insanely hot. In 90% of romance novels revolving around anything remotely Texan, there’s always a character who’s an insanely hot Texas Ranger (usually a widow with a rambunctious toddler-not that I read a lot of those books or anything) .


2.His Iconic Outfit
• The man knows how to accessorize! His white cowboy hat matches perfectly with his four legged companion Silver. Also he never goes anywhere without his bandanna and cowboy boots. The domino mask that he uses to conceal his identity is also a fantastic way to protect John’s delicate eye area from the unforgiving Texas sun. Sun damage is a) Bad for your health & b)Leads to unsexy crows’ feet!
• The costume is a symbol of Texas with its use of the flag's colors and its no-frills pragmatic simplicity. It's so ingrained in Texan culture that every high school/college dance team in Texas dresses in a femme version of the Ranger uniform.3. He has his own creed
• While those morally ambiguous anti-heroes are hot as hell (see: Batman, Han Solo, et al.) a guy who wears his moral code on his sleeve and actually lives it (albeit fictionally) is even sweller.

4. He has a cool ride
• Silver has to have way better handling than a Ford Mustang. Plus it’s way more environmentally friendly than a Prius!
5. He has his own theme music
• I triple dog dare you to not think of Rossini’s William Tell Overture when reading The Lone Ranger. See! Impossible!
6. He’s drawn by John Cassaday
• Since I'm Texan (I hope you got that if you've read this far), I'm loving that a Texan is art directing & doing covers for the origin story of a Texas icon. Plus anything Cassaday=awesomely fantastic.


The Casting Couch
• Mmm this is a tough one. He needs to be Texan. And he needs to not look ridiculous in a domino.
• I’m going to go with Benjamin McKenzie. (If you've got a better candidate, comment!!!)
• Texan-Check!
• Looks good in a domino-Check! (I'm guessing since he’s got a very strong jaw-much like the Cassaday incarnation)
• I’m going to give him major points for doing Junebug instead of something like John Tucker Must Die. Plus season 1 of the OC was brilliant! Don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.
• Big Bad Bonus-I would love to see Matthew McConaughey play baddie Cavendish since he’s so quintessentially Texan (See: Stetson Ads). And I'd just love to see him play a baddie for once.

So if you haven’t checked out Brett Matthews, John Cassaday, & Sergio Cariello’s The Lone Ranger series from Dynamite do yourself a HUGE favor and pick it up like now!

I'd Tap That Fictional Ass!-Jamie Madrox/Multiple Man

His deal...
Kinetic energy causes Jamie Madox to make duplicates (AKA: Dupes) of himself. He also runs a private detective agency called X-Factor Investigations which employs some of his mutant friends.

The Positives
Personality
• He’s funny. He’s always cracking jokes usually at the expense of someone in the room. And what can I say? That is totally my kind of humor.
• He’s in therapy and men who go all emo are always hotter (Which is why Batman will always be the hottest DCer)
• All his dupes have their own personalities so that could prove to be difficult but at least never boring (see: Michael Keaton in Multiplicity).

He’s a small business owner
• So what did Jamie do after winning a load of cash on a game show? He used the money to expand his own mutant private detective agency, X-Factor Investigations, making him like the Angel of the Marvel verse. So yay to building equity!!!

seX-FACTOR
• Since kinetic energy causes him to duplicate I’m guessing any heavy petting will lead to an orgy. Plus ‘Big Love’ has made polygamy mainstream so why not go niche and engage in some polyandry with some hot mutants??? And his name is Multiple Man. So get your head in the gutter and come up with your own conclusions. Ergo the best superhero name ever.


Style Profile
• That shirt he’s always sportin’ is just plain hot. I mean I can totally see him holed up in his NYC loft silk-screening the imprint of a six pack of Pabst onto a fine jersey long sleeve olive green American Apparel t-shirt. He just come across to me like a hipster mutant. That’s all I’m saying.
• Not to mention he rocks the Maybelline Unstoppable Eyeliner in Onyx. Eyeliner always helps when you want to look all emotionally torn & sh*t (see: Michael Keaton’s Batman or George Clooney in Michael Clayton).

The Negatives
• So he (or one of his dupes) may become a baby daddy as the result of his one night stand with Monet or Siyn. Oh how some WBesque inter-office romance drama makes all things better! Note- One of these romances could lead to a new hope for mutants. So really we could move this part to the positive column.
• Eric Dane played him in X3. I like him better when he’s all beary as McSteamy. But I'm not going to burden you with my issues.

Jamie’s going to play a large part in the upcoming Messiah Complex. Which means now Marvel is going to take even more of my money. Oh well.

BTW: Huge props have to be given to X-Factor artist Pablo Raimondi for drawing the hottest characters around. I mean really, he made Cyclops AND The Beast look hot (Issue #23). (Oops, there I go with my bear love again!)

The Casting Couch (Retcon-ing Eric Dane out of the picture):

Jesse Bradford would make an awesome Jamie Madrox. He’s in the right age range and more importantly he’s got the key characteristics: funny, smart, hot, & self-deprecating. I mean really the man was in Swim Fan, so obviously he knows how to laugh at himself.









But I would also die to see multiple Adam Garcias. I'm not sure if he's enough of a larrikin to pull of the funny but I haven't seen Coyote Ugly in a while, so maybe I'm wrong. But he's definitely smokin' hot and he played Fiyero in the London production of Wicked which (punny!) gets him major points in my book. Did I mention he's Aussie & hot???







New Feature of ITTFA: Theme Song-Kylie Minogue's Come Into My World
This has to do nothing with the song and everything to do with the Michel Gondry-directed video depicting Kylie doing her best impression of the Multiple Man. Enjoy!

I'd Tap That Fictional Ass!!

Continuing with our 'damn these men are so hot I wish they were real' post, I thought I'd add yet another BKV alum to the list: Mr (or is it Señor?) Victor Mancha!

Here is a youngster (it's not illegal if he's fictional right?.... right?) who joined that motley crew of Runaways after Nico & co. learned that Victor would grow up to be a spandex-wearing villain responsible for the death of future Avengers-leader Gert. See, turns out our beloved Victor is the son of Ultron - which makes him half-robot. Are you confused yet? Let's just say the only thing you need to know is that Victor has a 'dark side' - a good boy is hard to find, but really, a bad boy is hard to resist.

So, to salute this latin hottie, I give you the Top 5 reason I'd tap that fictional ass (legal age restrictions permitting):

5. He's got an electric personality - not only is quick-witted (as all BKV men tend to be) but he's also electric in the very literal sense of the world. I don't want to get too kinky, but I mean, wouldn't it also be handy for day-to-day fix-its around the house? I think so.

4. He's Latin. And a hot latin at that - think: the Ricky Martin of the Marvel Universe (only without the gyrating hips and/or the homoerotic undertones) But then, wouldn't he be mixed? I mean, latin+robot = ?

3. I already mentioned his dark side, but I also have to add the very dark 'thing' he has going on with Nico (as the POP COLONY readers will recognize) very reminiscent of a certain blond slayer and a peroxide vampire. Nothing says hot like guilt-filled sex.

2. He ha the one thing we prize more than anything else here in POP COLONY: pop culture knowledge. He knows the 'spandex crowd' better than any Comic Book Guy (pink-shirt-wearing or otherwise) which is why his room is filled with all sorts of 'costumes' stuff (Hulk and Spidey figurines, Captain America poster, scattered comic books laying around...) - enough so that Gert goes as far to say that he has a 'man-crush' on them. Thankfully he's also smart (he lets Gert know Lace isn't a velociraptor "She's way too big. Looks more like a Deinonychus with a pedicure") and smart is sexy, remember.

1. Yorick may sport the parka, but really, Victor (courtesy of Adrian Alphona) is one of the hippest 'Runaways' around. (I mean really, how does he afford such outfits and hats when he has no income and can't really walk into fancy LA stores? I guess that's the beauty of comic books - again I am reminded of that Whedon blond whose wardrobe choices come season 7 are way out of her Double Meat Palace/High School Counselor salaries... Yes, I am a firm believer that Joss and Brian are one and the same or that at least Brian's Runaways has always been his 'Buffy')

Favourite Victor-related quote:

Molly to Victor: "You're just a guest-star, and not a special one at that!"

Nicknames: 'Tin Magnet' 'Static Cling Lad' 'Man of La Mancha'

I'd Tap That Fictional Ass!

The first fictional hottie (that we wish were real) is the Y in BKV’s Y:The last Man, Yorick Brown. He’s been hunted, attacked, jumped, disrobed, kidnapped, beaten, punched and heartbroken. The boy has been through the (Culper) ringer. So lets show him some love.

He’s very Pop-Cultured.
• As a slave of pop culture I must admit that I find it a necessary precondition for Hottie Certification. I started counting pop culture references in one issue and had to stop at 17 before giving up. From Judy Bloom to Kurt Vonnegut, Yorick does his English degree proud.

Yorick likes to have a laugh.
• Which is good for us because this Y-stinction would be pretty grim without it. You know with all the killing, starvation, heroin addiction, and Canadian pop-stars and all. He’s a normal guy in a completely insane situation using humor to try to cope with all the horrible sh%t happening around him. And that’s just hot.

Not that he’s all smiles…
• So he was suicidal. With 711’s help he got over it and found out something important in the process. Pretty good for a guy without Zoloft or Malibu.

He’s no angel…
• Even though he wasn’t faithful to Beth during their time apart I won’t hold it against him. So he’s kissed a couple of gals other than his girlfriend since he became the last boy but things didn’t end too well for them (read: death). Plus Beth is a bitch. And Beth 2 is way cooler (though less than 355, of course!).

Yorick: The Last GQ
• Yorick’s hair is shaggy. But definitely not shaggy in a Mystery Machine sort of way but more like an hour in the bathroom with some Bumble & Bumble Sumo Tech. (But I guess with all the gay men dead a lot it must be readily available.) • He does like to wear T-shirts, jeans, hoodies and (what appear to be) chinos. So there must be a GAP somewhere in the unmanned world.
Yorick has managed to reach the pinnacle of fashion with the parka that he’s been donning in the last couple of issues. I live in Vancouver, so I’ve grown to love parkas. So I thank Pia a million times over for keeping it real with Yorick.

Note: There was a manga eye situation half way through the run but all is good now.
Who I’d cast in the movie- Topher Grace
Y? Because he’s funny, smart, & hot (oh & btw BKV’s first choice too!)

Though the end of Y:The Last Man is near, it will never be the end of Yorick’s hotness.

Alas Yorick, you’re a Fictional Hottie.