'Australia' For Better and For Worse- a review

I really can't stand the vast majority of reviews being written by the big boys & girls of print. It's like they're all trying to out-do themselves in being completely and utterly irrelevant. Apparently they all need to post a sign by their typewriters that says-"You're not going to win a Pulitzer for writing a 3000-word scathing review highlighting the historical inaccuracies of Gladiator." They've apparently forgotten that the most fundamental part of a movie is that it be entertaining. 'Entertaining' just so happens to be the opposite of mind (and butt) numbing boredom. Who would have known?!

Exhibit A: Melinda & Melinda. I never fall asleep in movies yet I managed to mimic a corpse during that Woody Allen 'gem' (Which I believe is the last movie he actually directed. Say it with me-GHOST DIRECTORS!)

Exhibit B: (and the inspiration for my new movie review format) SAVED. The movie about teen pregnancy that came before JUNO and that didn't premiere on Lifetime. The universe still owes Mandy Moore a Golden Globe or SAG nom for her diabolically pious performance as Hilary Faye. Unlike Juno, Saved didn't need a self-aware 'indie' soundtrack or quirkily sardonic teenspeak. It just rocked.

All this ranting has led to my new movie reviewing format.
So here's the gist: I pick a movie that is better and a movie that is worse than the one I'm reviewing. It's like 3 movie reviews in less than 50 words. Damn efficent right?

STAR! CROSSED! LOVERS!

[AUSTRALIA]

Aussies being Aussies. Hugh being Riddikulus. David Wenham being Hot Big Bad Ginger. Nicole being Nicole. Billabong. Nostalgically Engaging Epic.

[IS BETTER THAN...]

Children who suck. Dreamy Emerald Dress. Vanity tracking shot. Annoying Pome Children. James getting shafted. Sexy Library. Typewriter. Pretentiously laborious.

[BUT WORSE THAN...]

Effing! Brilliant! Musical! Boho Ewan McGregor. Drop Dead Costumes. Kylie Minogue. Infinitely Re-watchable.

The Du(t)chesses Face-Off!

I actually thought it was going to be worse. A lot worse.

So as far as expectations go (however low they were) I'd say that they were generally exceeded.
To get to the point- It was a good BBC Corset-Melodrama but with a fantastically lavish costume and makeup budget (mind you not Sofia Coppola fantasic but then again she's a Coppola so money's no object). Though it REALLY needed some more scrumptious Dominic Cooper (Mamma Mia suffered from this exact same problem). I didn't really think producers needed it spelled out but here's a freebie for you guys: Hot Guys - Shirt = Happy Movie-Goer *says the girl who saw Into the Blue in theaters*
And I'll give Keira & Crew extra points for keeping it under 2 hours. Well Barely. But hey it's a corset piece.

If you ever wondered what a Spelling Bee set to pop music would sound like...

London Bridge-Not that I don't love the track but the video is all sorts of awesomeness.
Fergalicious & Glamourous- Spelling Bee Pop in the vain of R.E.S.P.E.C.T. & C.R.U.S.H. And Fergie carves out her niche in pop---Adjectives!
Clumsy-Like all good pop this song is just plain catchy as a cold. And oh wait is that another adjective?!

Note: Being the forgiving soul that I am I will offer Fergie a reprieve for the Big Girls Don't Cry lyric "Like a child misses its blanket" even though it does make me vomit everytime I hear. Though the numerous shots of China Whites that I usually consume when the song plays could also be a factor. Maybe.

WINNER: FERGIE-With a solid win!

While Keira's Duchess is definitely watchable (and perhaps enjoyable to some) Fergie's Dutchess is really the Gift that Keeps on Giving. Just try listening to Fergalicious only once. See it's impossible!

Using The Secret @ the movies- STREET KINGS

So I finally managed to see Street Kings this week. There were a whole two of us in the the whole theater awaiting some Keanu Reeves goodnes. Keanu was in fine form as always (not the glorious heights of Constantine but let's not talk crazy). Thank goodness Keanu was not alone in the hottness department and I mean that quite literally since Chris "Human Torch" Evans also co-stars. So naturally I spent half the movie thinking- "What this movie needs is a pool party!" Lo and behold half way through the movie there's inexplicably a pool party scene. Except guess what? No shirtless Keanu or Chris! Flame off! And the producers wonder why this movie wasn't a hit. I think the answer is pretty clear. But the moral of this story is when you're using The Secret make sure you're really specific or you'll just get the only movie with no gratuitous nudity this year.

O! Whoa is me.