Supposedly there has been a major outcry from the Twilight
fangirls about the less than flattering
EW cover featuring Harry Potter
hottie Robert
Pattinson and Panic Girl Kristin Stewart.
I say "supposedly" because Twilight falls outside of my realm of
fandom. I actually had never heard of the phenomenon until Stephen Colbert used a picture of
Angelus himself, David
Boreanaz, in a clip about the success of series. In my book it's kind of like the literary Hannah Montana- kid crack.
And if you're wondering I have read a book in the series. I somehow made it through the first book. Looking back I really don't know how I did it. Needless to say I didn't continue with the series choosing rather to bask in the Twilight of ignorance. What was my issue with the book? Well to keep it concise:
It's no Buffy. Buffy set the bar ridiculously high for Vampire stories especially Vampire
romance stories. Just look at the ashes of the recently cancelled Moonlight. I just couldn't handle the fact that it had none of Buffy's
punny-
ness, symbolism, or heart.
Well what does this have to do with the EW cover?
Any casual reader of
EW will know that their love for Buffy (well actually they're pretty much down with the entire
Whedonverse) runs very deep. They're like Buffy fundamentalist. Just look at their "New Classics" issue where there were no less than 4 Buffy mentions. See why I've kept my subscription all these years.
So now let's take a Symbolic tour of the EW cover together!
Shall we see Buffy Bias in action?
Ridicuously pasty Robert Pattinson: I know he's English and plays a Vampire but my god did they have to make him that pasty?! I can only conclude that this is
EW's way of saying that Edward Cullen
pales in comparison to David
Boreanaz's Angel.
Deep Brunette Kristen Stewart: The Yin Yang of Vampire romance? Buffy is a sassy kick-ass Vampire Slayer/Layer who also happens to be
EW's favorite
blonde. Twilight's Bella is more into
whining and should think about leasing her own
Batsignal for all the times she needs Edward (and the rest of the Cullen clan) to come to her rescue. Sounds like someone
familiar? Yep you guessed it
Buffyverse Enemy #1: Dawn. Ever insightful Spike said it best to Buffy in "Wrecked" [S.6.E.10]:"Ever think about a
LoJack for the girl?"
Robert Pattinson's Chest: First off- There is no chest hair in vampire romance! Seriously never! From Stuart Townsend's
Lestat to
Harlequin covers there is simply no place in
undeath for chest hair. Come on when you live forever you've got plenty of time to wax so there's no excuse. Buffy's Boys Angel & Spike =Smooth
Second-No chest definition! Not to go into too much mythology, vampires need to be able to catch their food. And in the case of
BtVS they need to be shirtless/pretend to be young for as long as possible. That is the way of the
WB. So chest definition is not only of
aesthetic value but neccessary to a vampire's survival not only in undeath but also on the WB.
Symbolically I'd say that EW is suggesting that he's a weak (synonym:poor) vampire.
Robert Pattinson's Ensemble: Vampires do not wear blue jeans. Leatherpants? Well of course! But never blue jeans. Blue jeans are in the same category of vampire
deterrents as garlic, holy water, and trips to Ibiza. Not to mention wearing them with a belt buckle to the side just looks douchebaggy like on Abercrombie models. Could this be EW suggeting that Twilight is more about wide tween appeal than it is about establishing a credible vampire mythology? I'm just saying...
{Disclaimer: I obviously don't work at EW so don't blame them for my Buffy bias}
Stumble It!
