Sunday, July 13, 2008

EW's Twilight cover Sucks!

Supposedly there has been a major outcry from the Twilight fangirls about the less than flattering EW cover featuring Harry Potter hottie Robert Pattinson and Panic Girl Kristin Stewart.
I say "supposedly" because Twilight falls outside of my realm of fandom. I actually had never heard of the phenomenon until Stephen Colbert used a picture of Angelus himself, David Boreanaz, in a clip about the success of series. In my book it's kind of like the literary Hannah Montana- kid crack.

And if you're wondering I have read a book in the series. I somehow made it through the first book. Looking back I really don't know how I did it. Needless to say I didn't continue with the series choosing rather to bask in the Twilight of ignorance. What was my issue with the book? Well to keep it concise: It's no Buffy. Buffy set the bar ridiculously high for Vampire stories especially Vampire romance stories. Just look at the ashes of the recently cancelled Moonlight. I just couldn't handle the fact that it had none of Buffy's punny-ness, symbolism, or heart.

Well what does this have to do with the EW cover?

Any casual reader of EW will know that their love for Buffy (well actually they're pretty much down with the entire Whedonverse) runs very deep. They're like Buffy fundamentalist. Just look at their "New Classics" issue where there were no less than 4 Buffy mentions. See why I've kept my subscription all these years.

So now let's take a Symbolic tour of the EW cover together!
Shall we see Buffy Bias in action?

Ridicuously pasty Robert Pattinson: I know he's English and plays a Vampire but my god did they have to make him that pasty?! I can only conclude that this is EW's way of saying that Edward Cullen pales in comparison to David Boreanaz's Angel.

Deep Brunette Kristen Stewart: The Yin Yang of Vampire romance? Buffy is a sassy kick-ass Vampire Slayer/Layer who also happens to be EW's favorite blonde. Twilight's Bella is more into whining and should think about leasing her own Batsignal for all the times she needs Edward (and the rest of the Cullen clan) to come to her rescue. Sounds like someone familiar? Yep you guessed it Buffyverse Enemy #1: Dawn. Ever insightful Spike said it best to Buffy in "Wrecked" [S.6.E.10]:"Ever think about a LoJack for the girl?"

Robert Pattinson's Chest: First off- There is no chest hair in vampire romance! Seriously never! From Stuart Townsend's Lestat to Harlequin covers there is simply no place in undeath for chest hair. Come on when you live forever you've got plenty of time to wax so there's no excuse. Buffy's Boys Angel & Spike =Smooth
Second-No chest definition! Not to go into too much mythology, vampires need to be able to catch their food. And in the case of BtVS they need to be shirtless/pretend to be young for as long as possible. That is the way of the WB. So chest definition is not only of aesthetic value but neccessary to a vampire's survival not only in undeath but also on the WB.
Symbolically I'd say that EW is suggesting that he's a weak (synonym:poor) vampire.

Robert Pattinson's Ensemble: Vampires do not wear blue jeans. Leatherpants? Well of course! But never blue jeans. Blue jeans are in the same category of vampire deterrents as garlic, holy water, and trips to Ibiza. Not to mention wearing them with a belt buckle to the side just looks douchebaggy like on Abercrombie models. Could this be EW suggeting that Twilight is more about wide tween appeal than it is about establishing a credible vampire mythology? I'm just saying...

{Disclaimer: I obviously don't work at EW so don't blame them for my Buffy bias}


mB said...

Ah, yes. I'm pretty sure this has established your EW-cred. When your book hits "EW- a pop culture icon through the ages" I'll most surely enjoy the Buffy chapter the most. But I agree. It does kinda say "We're contractually obligated to give you a cover, but what a cover it will be... not!"

POP COLONY said...

Where do we (more like I) go from here?! The unofficial guide to Lisa & Owen's reviews?