Sunday, December 21, 2008

'Australia' For Better and For Worse- a review

I really can't stand the vast majority of reviews being written by the big boys & girls of print. It's like they're all trying to out-do themselves in being completely and utterly irrelevant. Apparently they all need to post a sign by their typewriters that says-"You're not going to win a Pulitzer for writing a 3000-word scathing review highlighting the historical inaccuracies of Gladiator." They've apparently forgotten that the most fundamental part of a movie is that it be entertaining. 'Entertaining' just so happens to be the opposite of mind (and butt) numbing boredom. Who would have known?!

Exhibit A: Melinda & Melinda. I never fall asleep in movies yet I managed to mimic a corpse during that Woody Allen 'gem' (Which I believe is the last movie he actually directed. Say it with me-GHOST DIRECTORS!)

Exhibit B: (and the inspiration for my new movie review format) SAVED. The movie about teen pregnancy that came before JUNO and that didn't premiere on Lifetime. The universe still owes Mandy Moore a Golden Globe or SAG nom for her diabolically pious performance as Hilary Faye. Unlike Juno, Saved didn't need a self-aware 'indie' soundtrack or quirkily sardonic teenspeak. It just rocked.

All this ranting has led to my new movie reviewing format.
So here's the gist: I pick a movie that is better and a movie that is worse than the one I'm reviewing. It's like 3 movie reviews in less than 50 words. Damn efficent right?

STAR! CROSSED! LOVERS!


[AUSTRALIA]

Aussies being Aussies. Hugh being Riddikulus. David Wenham being Hot Big Bad Ginger. Nicole being Nicole. Billabong. Nostalgically Engaging Epic.

[IS BETTER THAN...]

Children who suck. Dreamy Emerald Dress. Vanity tracking shot. Annoying Pome Children. James getting shafted. Sexy Library. Typewriter. Pretentiously laborious.

[BUT WORSE THAN...]

Effing! Brilliant! Musical! Boho Ewan McGregor. Drop Dead Costumes. Kylie Minogue. Infinitely Re-watchable.

3 comments:

Jason said...

THANK YOU! Lisa Schwardalkhgfbkfd (whatever) can suck it! I swear she just hates movies and herself.

P.S. Everything you know about Melinda and Melinda you heard from me. I thought I was going to have to give you a freakin' adrenaline shot to the heart to wake you up!

P.P.S. I'm glad you finally saw Australia and enjoyed it!

P.P.P.S When you come see me in Dallas, we should get the markers and construction paper out and write fanmail to Mandy. Okay, this thingy is telling me that "fanmail" should be two words, but TLC taught me otherwise!

Jason said...

P.P.P.P.S. Obviously someone forgot the Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow incident. And those seats were hella uncomfortable. And don't even try to blame it on being drunk (though you probably were).

POP COLONY said...

I actually was considering mentioning my "Where's Bill Pullman?" plea at the end of The Grudge. But I didn't want to shame myself in case he's a die-hard Pop Colony reader.

P.S. Obviously I did forget to mention Sky Captain b/c all I can remember from it is Angelina shooting through the water. And to this day I still believe the whole thing was some horrible dream.